- Corporate Haikus III
- The Most Awkward Posts of 2011
- Awkward Dance Videos
- The Art of the Creepy Follow
- I’ve Gone Dark
- Seven Steps to Becoming the African Dictator You Always Knew You Could Be
- Various Goings On – End to the Summer Haitus
- Summer Hiatus Haikus IV
- How to Fix Philadelphia’s Flash Mob Problem
- Summer Hiatus Haikus III
- Summer Hiatus Haikus II
- Summer Hiatus Haikus
- Is Philadelphia the Crappiest City in America? Why Philly Gets a Bad Rep
- Blog Sponsored Corporate Boycott
- Site Updates
Yesterday I saw a bartender at an event spill wine all over one of the keynote speakers. It was compounded by the facts that it was the first drink the bartender served after opening the bar and there were a lot of people waiting for drinks (some left to go to another bartender.) I was next in line and as the bartender, the keynote speaker, and myself all stood there staring at each other in silence while the bartender badly faked doing ‘bartender things’, (it was easily the most uncomfortable real-life situation I’ve been involved in in a while) my mind wandered to another, more awkward place, a crowded elevator somewhere, and it dawned on me – I haven’t posted in a while. And while lots of terrible, newsworthy things have been happening in Philly lately, I don’t have the time to address any of them. What I do have readily at my disposal for a post is some historical data – mainly the list of the 2011′s Top 10 Most Awkward Posts from Awkwardallday.com as voted on by you, the fans. I’m also going to throw in a couple of honorable mentions and my one personally favorite post.
“Cannot Unsee” (NSFW)
And Now, My Own Personal Favorite:
This one just reminds me the most of the ridiculousness of real life situations we create for ourselves.
Remember kids – ‘The Global Business Climate Waits for No Man’
Yeah, yeah, I know. We just opened up a new office at work I’ve been really busy with everything that goes into that and family and I have an aunt that’s sick. What? Why would I make something like that up? I don’t know why she’s sick. Here, do you want to call her and ask her why she’s sick? You don’t believe me fine, here’s my phone – call her. No I’m not going to unlock my phone.
As I dig deeper into the dark corners of the internet in my quest to discover elusive sources of original content for AAD, I come across some strange online communities.
Reddit is one of the most entertaining. Not the main site (Reddit mostly contains reposts from 4chan, Youtube, and other websites,) what I’m talking about are its clean, narrowly focused, and easily accessible sub communities. Despite the reposts and annoying occupy-whatever rants, a lot of it is unintentionally hilarious. The main sources of this unintentionally hilarious material are what I’ll call “deviant sub-reddits”. These aren’t just a couple of freaks going back and forth, some of these well-traveled communities contain thousands of participants and revolve around very specific scenarios. There are gathering places for every fetish you could think of. There’s /r/girlsinyogapants, /r/upskirt, and /r/stalking.
More here: www.reddit/r/girlsinyogapants
Bringing people together is great, but what I feel is lost in all this is the art of in person creepiness. There was a real skill to that. If you like girls in yoga pants, for God’s sake, dust off your best pair of sweat pants, get out there, pretend to be busy outside a yoga studio, and find some girls yoga pants to stare at. Not to mention the fake beach sleep, the creepy follow, the circle back.
But like the travel agency industry, the internet has crushed the creep. However, there’s hope – in certain parts of the world, conservative values and oppressive governments have allowed in-person perversion to thrive. Think of Asian sex tourism or those Japanese videos where people grind on people on the subway.Pornography on the internet? You have brought a great shame upon this family. X
In fact, as far as in-person creepiness goes, Asia is pretty much the Bollywood.Based off this one internet image, I’m pretty sure in Japan they have entire technical schools you can go to to learn in-person-urban-voyeurism. x
But here in America, just because we are too lazy or technologically advanced to be involved in something doesn’t mean that we can’t just pick it up and dominate it. And I love that show American Ninja Warrior, so I’m going to do the seemingly not related at all same thing – beat the Japanese at their own game. They’re may be out in front right now, but we’ll break this thing down into individually moving parts and mass produce them like a Model T Ford. We’ll drill it so deep into your head that when you look in the mirror you won’t even know who’s looking back any more.
I’ve done the research and come up with some tried and tested true methods of honing and applying your online curiosities to real life skills. Now you might be thinking “hey, any of these things could get me arrested.” If you think that way, leave right now. We don’t want you for the program. You’re just as likely to put yourself on some Government watch list surfing the internet for your weird fetish than you are in real life. Also, if you’re the occasional FlashPhilly reader and you’ve made it this far wondering when this website devolved into a how-to manual for perverts. Leave now. This is an intensive six part course. You won’t make it. We need to vet those who can’t cut it, and break down and rebuild those who can.
Green Belt: The Creepy FollowThis one’s pretty easy and you’ll find out very early on if you have the stones to keep with it or not. If not, you’re probably going back to your cushy, anonymous world of upskirt forums.
The creepy follow is a technique of following a woman at the exact distance which maximizes your unobstructed gaze to her buttocks, allows you to capture her essence (wait, what?) while limiting the threat of being detected. It could take you blocks or miles out of the path to your intended destination.
1.Get a job that allows you to be out the office on foot for long periods of time
What time is best for creepy following depends on the neighborhood and city. Get a job in sales. Preferably a position that allows you to travel to different cities with varying regularity where you can go unaccounted for for large chunks of time. Even better, a parking ticket authority agent. No mailmen though, the schedule is too tight.
2.Wear plain, non-identifiable clothing
You should probably always assume as some point in your day, you will have the opportunity to creepily follow someone. Plan accordingly. Always keep a wide variety of non-descript, drab colored clothing on hand. Wear it to work, wear it to the gym, wear it everywhere. Earth tones and pastels work the best. Throw out all of your brightly patterned ties.
1.a. Creepy following abroad
Depending on what Country you’re in, you’ll need to adapt to the clothing style of the culture. Keep this in mind and do your homework before traveling. Clothing that seems ordinary in the States will usually very much stick out abroad. For instance, in Brazil (which contains some of the best in-person voyeurism,) an Orlando Magic Shaquille O’Neal jersey will work nicely.
2. Keep a distance of 20-25 feet
You don’t want to follow so close that you arouse suspicion, but on the other hand, you don’t want to be positioned so far away that a rival creepy follower can move in – and believe me, they’re out there. The better you get, the better you’ll get at spotting the competition, as well as targets that have already been acquired by them.
2.a. Swooping in on someone else’s target
If you notice an opportunity to swoop in on someone else’s target – take it. This is the first rule of the creepy follow – there are no rules. Think of it similarly to the rules of engagement for international espionage. Everyone’s expendable, there are no friends, and when things go bad, it’s everyman for themself.
2.b. Switching targets
When it rains, it pours. If you identify a more desirable target and need to cross the street or reverse path quickly, you’ll need create a diversion involving a phone call and a clear change of plans. Look at your watch, look up to see what street you’re on, loudly exclaim “OK, I’ll come there right now.” The street is your stage, and your target, the audience.
3. Fake phone calls
Seem busy doing something that allows you to stay alert to your surroundings. It’s a battlefield out there – anything like reading or texting which requires your attention to be diverted from the target will not work. Did she stop? Pop into a coffee shop? Is she tying her shoe? The dynamics of the situation can change in the blink of an eye – you need to be ready.
4. Going in for the kill
Wait until you are approaching a red light at a crowded intersection. This is the best scenario to move in for the kill.
5. If they stop
As mentioned earlier, you need to be ready. Be proactive – if you notice your target slowing down, be ready to windowshop or ask for directions. If it’s a sudden stop, be prepared to move ahead of your target rather than compromising your position. You will then need to pull a counter-stop in order to correct the positioning.
6. If you’re spotted
Abort! Abort! Your pen cap contains a cyanide pill.
Once you are comfortable with the basics, it’s time to up your game. Engage the target. Perfect the accidental hand brush, the sidled head nod, and if you’re really daring – the I wasn’t paying attention and accidental bumped into you.
Next week: Stage 2. “Accidental” encounters with nudity
Bonus: Most Devious Sub-Reddits (very NSFW, that means not safe for work; mom):
Seriously, don’t click most of these, you’ll get fired/possibly redflagged by the NSA.
Ok, pass the eye bleach.
Edit, one more: http://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBlackMarket/
Whoa whoa whoa, ok, maybe I should have told you when I’d be back, but that’s not true, your grandmother is perfectly capable of watching you. She doesn’t hate you and I don’t care if she doesn’t let you play Playstation, you need to listen to her, she’s your elder. I know, but I need to, daddy has work, you know that.
So there’s been some developments in my campaign of misinformation and terror. Several new projects are in different stages of disarray completion. The most recently completed of which is a project to help coax my friend theyoungandthetasteless (who has also gone dark) back into the world online self promotion. She is now starring in her own (wildly popular and critically acclaimed) one-woman adaptation of the 1975 documentary Grey Gardens. As amazing as the show is reported to be, it was clear that while boundary pushing theater filled with tasteful nudity is one of TYATT’s strengths, web design is not. So we compiled a crack team of web designers and copy writers and made her a website. The best part is that we did it Extreme Makeover Home Edition style – complete with secrecy, a vaguely homosexual project manager, and a grand reveal in front of her best friends. She just found out about the existence of the new website and the play may or may not even exist, but the website is amazing – completely top of the line. I mean, I’m pretty sure it has to be true, I read it on the internet (Wikipedia) and we’ve been selling tickets. A lot of tickets. So if she doesn’t want to ruin her reputation on the colicky Off-Broadway scene before she even gets off the ground, this play needs to happen fast. Maybe her life is the adaptation. It’s kind of like that movie Inception. I don’t know how, but it is.
You can read all about the retelling of the Edie’s struggle through a condensed, 180 minute cat and nudity filled “riot” of a one-woman show on the upper west side of Manhattan here. If you’re fortunate connected enough to snag tickets, let me know how it is.
For those unfamiliar with the story of Grey Gardens, here are some clips: