Philly Beer Week Conversation

Oh, you’re a sales rep?

Distribution company?

Community School?

Baltimore Dresscode

Brasky Dentures? Check.

Navy/khaki ratio?

One-to-one? Way off.

]]> http://flashphilly.com/2012/04/corporate-haikus-iii/feed/ 0 http://flashphilly.com/2012/02/the-most-awkward-posts-of-2011/ http://flashphilly.com/2012/02/the-most-awkward-posts-of-2011/#comments Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:29:51 +0000 FlashPhilly http://flashphilly.com/?p=1825 Continue reading →]]> Yesterday I saw a bartender at an event spill wine all over one of the keynote speakers.  It was compounded by the facts that it was the first drink the bartender served after opening the bar and there were a lot of people waiting for drinks (some left to go to another bartender.)  I was next in line and as the bartender, the keynote speaker, and myself all stood there staring at each other in silence while the bartender badly faked doing ‘bartender things’, (it was easily the most uncomfortable real-life situation I’ve been involved in in a while) my mind wandered to another, more awkward place, a crowded elevator somewhere, and it dawned on me – I haven’t posted in a while.  And while lots of terrible, newsworthy things have been happening in Philly lately, I don’t have the time to address any of them.  What I do have readily at my disposal for a post is some historical data – mainly the list of the 2011′s Top 10 Most Awkward Posts from Awkwardallday.com as voted on by you, the fans.  I’m also going to throw in a couple of honorable mentions and my one personally favorite post.

#10 “Who Hasn’t This Happened To?

#9 “You Don’t Have To Do This”

#8 “Tender Moments”

#7 “I Have To Be At FootLocker In 20 Minutes”

#6 ” We can Bring Africa to You”

#5 “Together Until our Hearing”

#4 “He Meant While You Were Pregnant, Mia”

#3 “The Classic, ‘I Dropped my Business Card” Move’”

#2 “39,446,156 Minutes in Heaven”

#1 “It’s OK, I Brought My Own”

Honorable Mentions:

“Worst Wedding DJ”

“Cannot Unsee” (NSFW)

“Tapioca Textured”

“The World is Yours”

“I Don’t Like to Talk about Cleveland”

“I Predict Refunds Will Not be Honored”

“Take That!”

And Now, My Own Personal Favorite:

This one just reminds me the most of the ridiculousness of real life situations we create for ourselves.

“PTA Meeting”

Remember kids – ‘The Global Business Climate Waits for No Man’

Yeah, yeah, I know.   We just opened up a new office at work I’ve been really busy with everything that goes into that and family and I have an aunt that’s sick.  What?  Why would I make something like that up?  I don’t know why she’s sick.  Here, do you want to call her and ask her why she’s sick?  You don’t believe me fine, here’s my phone – call her.  No I’m not going to unlock my phone.

As I dig deeper into the dark corners of the internet in my quest to discover elusive sources of original content for AAD, I come across some strange online communities.

Reddit is one of the most entertaining.  Not the main site (Reddit mostly contains reposts from 4chan, Youtube, and other websites,) what I’m talking about are its clean, narrowly focused, and easily accessible sub communities.  Despite the reposts and annoying occupy-whatever rants, a lot of it is unintentionally hilarious.  The main sources of this unintentionally hilarious material are what I’ll call “deviant sub-reddits”.  These aren’t just a couple of freaks going back and forth, some of these well-traveled communities contain thousands of participants and revolve around very specific scenarios.  There are gathering places for every fetish you could think of.  There’s /r/girlsinyogapants, /r/upskirt, and /r/stalking.

More here: www.reddit/r/girlsinyogapants

Bringing people together is great, but what I feel is lost in all this is the art of in person creepiness.  There was a real skill to that.  If you like girls in yoga pants, for God’s sake, dust off your best pair of sweat pants, get out there, pretend to be busy outside a yoga studio, and find some girls yoga pants to stare at.  Not to mention the fake beach sleep, the creepy follow, the circle back.

But like the travel agency industry, the internet has crushed the creep.  However, there’s hope – in certain parts of the world, conservative values and oppressive governments have allowed in-person perversion  to thrive.  Think of Asian sex tourism or those Japanese videos where people grind on people on the subway.

Pornography on the internet?  You have

In fact, as far as in-person creepiness goes, Asia is pretty much the Bollywood.

Based off this one internet image, I’m pretty sure in Japan they have entire

But here in America, just because we are too lazy or technologically advanced to be involved in something doesn’t mean that we can’t just pick it up and dominate it.   And I love that show American Ninja Warrior, so I’m going to do the seemingly not related at all same thing – beat the Japanese at their own game.  They’re may be out in front right now, but we’ll break this thing down into individually moving parts and mass produce them like a Model T Ford.  We’ll drill it so deep into your head that when you look in the mirror you won’t even know who’s looking back any more.

I’ve done the research and come up with some tried and tested true methods of honing and applying your online curiosities to real life skills.  Now you might be thinking “hey, any of these things could get me arrested.”  If you think that way, leave right now.  We don’t want you for the program.  You’re just as likely to put yourself on some Government watch list surfing the internet for your weird fetish than you are in real life.  Also, if you’re the occasional FlashPhilly reader and you’ve made it this far wondering when this website devolved into a how-to manual for perverts.  Leave now.  This is an intensive six part course.  You won’t make it.  We need to vet those who can’t cut it, and break down and rebuild those who can.

Green Belt: The Creepy Follow

This one’s pretty easy and you’ll find out very early on if you

The creepy follow is a technique of following a woman at the exact distance which maximizes your unobstructed gaze to her buttocks, allows you to capture her essence (wait, what?) while limiting the threat of being detected.  It could take you blocks or miles out of the path to your intended destination.

1.Get a job that allows you to be out the office on foot for long periods of time

What time is best for creepy following depends on the neighborhood and city.  Get a job in sales.  Preferably a position that allows you to travel to different cities with varying regularity where you can go unaccounted for for large chunks of time.  Even better, a parking ticket authority agent.  No mailmen though, the schedule is too tight.

2.Wear plain, non-identifiable clothing

You should probably always assume as some point in your day, you will have the opportunity to creepily follow someone.  Plan accordingly.  Always keep a wide variety of non-descript, drab colored clothing on hand.  Wear it to work, wear it to the gym, wear it everywhere.  Earth tones and pastels work the best.  Throw out all of your brightly patterned ties.

1.a. Creepy following abroad

Depending on what Country you’re in, you’ll need to adapt to the clothing style of the culture.  Keep this in mind and do your homework before traveling.  Clothing that seems ordinary in the States will usually very much stick out abroad.  For instance, in Brazil  (which contains some of the best in-person voyeurism,) an Orlando Magic Shaquille O’Neal jersey will work nicely.

2. Keep a distance of 20-25 feet

You don’t want to follow so close that you arouse suspicion, but on the other hand, you don’t want to be positioned so far away that a rival creepy follower can move in – and believe me, they’re out there.  The better you get, the better you’ll get at spotting the competition, as well as targets that have already been acquired by them.

2.a. Swooping in on someone else’s target

If you notice an opportunity to swoop in on someone else’s target – take it.   This is the first rule of the creepy follow – there are no rules.  Think of it similarly to the rules of engagement for international espionage.  Everyone’s expendable, there are no friends, and when things go bad, it’s everyman for themself.

2.b. Switching targets

When it rains, it pours.  If you identify a more desirable target and need to cross the street or reverse path quickly, you’ll need create a diversion involving a phone call and a clear change of plans.  Look at your watch, look up to see what street you’re on, loudly exclaim “OK, I’ll come there right now.”  The street is your stage, and your target, the audience.

3. Fake phone calls

Seem busy doing something that allows you to stay alert to your surroundings.  It’s a battlefield out there – anything like reading or texting which requires your attention to be diverted from the target will not work.  Did she stop?  Pop into a coffee shop?  Is she tying her shoe?  The dynamics of the situation can change in the blink of an eye – you need to be ready.

4. Going in for the kill

Wait until you are approaching a red light at a crowded intersection.  This is the best scenario to move in for the kill.

5. If they stop

As mentioned earlier, you need to be ready.  Be proactive – if you notice your target slowing down, be ready to windowshop or ask for directions.  If it’s a sudden stop, be prepared to move ahead of your target rather than compromising your position.  You will then need to pull a counter-stop in order to correct the positioning.

6. If you’re spotted

Abort! Abort! Your pen cap contains a cyanide pill.

Advanced techniques

Once you are comfortable with the basics, it’s time to up your game.  Engage the target.  Perfect the accidental hand brush, the sidled head nod, and if you’re really daring – the I wasn’t paying attention and accidental bumped into you.

Next week: Stage 2. “Accidental” encounters with nudity

x

Bonus: Most Devious Sub-Reddits (very NSFW, that means not safe for work; mom):

Seriously, don’t click most of these, you’ll get fired/possibly redflagged by the NSA.

http://www.reddit.com/r/picturesofiansleeping/

http://www.reddit.com/r/clopclop

http://www.reddit.com/r/whalebait

http://www.reddit.com/r/futureworldproblems

http://www.reddit.com/r/rainbowbar/

http://www.reddit.com/r/squidsgonewild

http://www.reddit.com//r/tailbait

http://www.reddit.com/r/picsofdeadkids

http://www.reddit.com/r/ectalprolapse

http://www.reddit.com/r/PicsOfHorseDicks/

http://www.reddit.com/r/popping

Ok, pass the eye bleach.

EDIT

One more: http://www.reddit.com/r/EroticMayonnaise/

Edit, one more: http://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBlackMarket/

So there’s been some developments in my campaign of misinformation and terror.  Several new projects are in different stages of disarray completion.  The most recently completed of which is a project to help coax my friend theyoungandthetasteless (who has also gone dark) back into the world online self promotion.  She is now starring in her own (wildly popular and critically acclaimed) one-woman adaptation of the 1975 documentary Grey Gardens.  As amazing as the show is reported to be, it was clear that while boundary pushing theater filled with tasteful nudity is one of TYATT’s strengths, web design is not.  So we compiled a crack team of web designers and copy writers and made her a website.  The best part is that we did it Extreme Makeover Home Edition style – complete with secrecy, a vaguely homosexual project manager, and a grand reveal in front of her best friends.  She just found out about the existence of the new website and the play may or may not even exist, but the website is amazing – completely top of the line.  I mean, I’m pretty sure it has to be true, I read it on the internet (Wikipedia) and we’ve been selling tickets. A lot of tickets.  So if she doesn’t want to ruin her reputation on the colicky Off-Broadway scene before she even gets off the ground, this play needs to happen fast.  Maybe her life is the adaptation.  It’s kind of like that movie Inception.  I don’t know how, but it is.

You can read all about the retelling of the Edie’s struggle through a condensed, 180 minute cat and nudity filled “riot” of a one-woman show on the upper west side of Manhattan here. If you’re fortunate connected enough to snag tickets, let me know how it is.

For those unfamiliar with the story of Grey Gardens, here are some clips:

Coming soon:

www.homelesstb.com

www.wrongwordoftheday.com

(Click here for larger version)

I learned two things in my travels -

1. You do not want to tangle with a gypsy herd. It’s simply a battle you cannot win.

2. Dance is not the international language of love.

This is the life of a jetsetting ten-thousandaire; let’s try and keep up.

Some interesting FP news from while I was gone:

Obviously there was a wave of flash mobs in Philadelphia.  The media coverage was unflattering to say the least.  No one had any clue about what do to (except buying guns).  Where do people go when they need to sound intelligent about things they know absolutely nothing about?  The internet.  This caused FP to experience a huge surge in traffic.  Because I’m so well optimized for the words Flash, Philly, and Mob, quite a few people legitimately researching flash mobs happened upon my post (here).  By the time I got back and Googled “Philadelphia flash mobs”, it was still on the first page of results.  This is the very reason I started this website.  To pollute the legitimate world of online information with complete nonsense passed off as fact (see “Where are they now?” series).

Interestingly enough, one of those visitors was someone from the City of Philadelphia.  That person apparently Googled “tactics for prevention flash mob violence” and read through my article on flash mobs an alarming five times…

You’re welcome Philadelphia; and no, I’m not interested in that vacated School Superintendent position;  thanks for asking.  I have my sights set higher.  Have my tactics been called such things as “dangerous” and “Jim Crow era”?  Yes.  Do I get results?  Maybe.  But Nutter – when you’re ready to be proactive rather than reactive to Philadelphia’s violence problem, give me a call, real talk.

And the big one – my new site AwkwardAllDay.com launched.

And the reviews are in:

With its disarming, intimate, completely accessible voice, and dry sense of humor, Awkward All Day shares with us life’s ups and downs.  Awkward All Day is a candid, hilarious look at women who are getting older and dealing with the tribulations of maintenance, menopause, empty nests, and life itself.

Utterly courageous, wickedly funny, and unexpectedly moving in its truth telling, Awkward All Day is a website of wisdom, advice, and laugh-out-loud moments, a scrumptious, irresistible treat.

Check it out here: www.awkwardallday.com

It’s also taken off in a small way.  We’ve had over 4,000 hits in the first 1.5 months.  And similarly to a single mother who promises to spend equal amounts of time with both of her children following a divorce, I’ll tell you that I love both websites equally.  Do I?  You’ll have suspicions, but you won’t know until you grow up and have websites of your own.

But, the good news is that the summer Hiatus is over.  I return fresher, rejuvenated, and more committed that ever to bringing you the very best in biotechnology news.

Bonus

Here are some highlights from AwkwardAllDay so far:

My morning routine

Contains just as much scotch as

My mourning routine

Flash Mobs have been getting a large amount of negative press lately – articles have been published, sentences have been handed down, and national attention has been drawn.  With the large amount of attention, there has been just as much discussion about strategies to curb the trend; and although some of these tactics appear to be working, it still seems like a flash mob can break out at any given second.  The tension is as thick as the iodine in the water.  I (probably along with many other Philadelphians) think the whole thing is being seriously mismanaged.  It’s pretty clear the real problem with the Philly flash mob is image.  Flash mobs in other cities are light hearted, fun, and usually involve a group of uncoordinated newlywed mothers.  By stark contrast flash mobs in Philly are violent and filled with black teenagers.

These are tough times, and open letters to the editor of the Philadelphia Inquirer aren’t going to get the job done.  What shocks me is that no one can recognize that we’re sitting on a gold mine here.  Flash mobs have the potential to be as uniquely Philadelphian as the cheese steak.  And rather than appointing high-salaried task forces and czars, I think we need to come together as a city and find a way to monetize this for our own benefit.  What the Philadelphia flash mob really needs is a serious branding makeover.

As a civic-minded Philadelphian and marketing professional, I have volunteered my time and came up with some surefire ideas to increase the Philadelphia’s flash mob brand.

Step 1: Get a logo

I came up with this one:

Step 2: Market the Event Internationally

Rule number one of any good business plan – start local – go global.  Have you ever been interested in going to Spain for the running of the bulls?  Well no need to get that passport updated, this is the same exact thing.  A running of the bulls for white people.  Now you might be thinking, that’s stupid, people get hurt during flash mobs.  Well, people get hurt during the running of the bulls; more seriously one could argue.  Also, we have better hospitals here – get gored in Valencia and you’ll be there so long your visa expires; get shanked here and Jefferson will have you out the next morning.

Step 3: Stand Out From the Pack

One nut is already cracked – flash mobs already have name recognition that our city is associated with nationally.  We just need to capture that recognition and exploit it.

Step 3.1 – Defining what makes our flash mobs uniquely valuable - That unique benefit is the thrill of the violence.  The intangible.  The adrenaline associated with running for your life while stuffing your cell phone in your sneaker.

Step 3.2 – Communicating that value in a way that’s easy to remember and clearly understandable – I have come up with an ad campaign that both focuses on the unique value of our flash mobs and distinctly separates us from the competition, namely every-day flash mobs that are organized by hack PR firms and in weight-loss forums on the internet.

Here are the first series of ads:

Step 4: Drive Your Message Home

A good way to achieve this is to piggyback onto another issue that people are already passionate about here in Philadelphia.  You see members of the Phillies doing this all the time.  Take the school funding gap and partner with that (although we probably don’t want to close too much of the educational funding gap, because that might be counterproductive to our product).  It’s like how big tobacco partners with all those anti-smoking groups.  I don’t know how it works, but it does.

I created another ad:

x

Step 5: Deliver

Completing all the previous steps are difficult , but they mean absolutely nothing without mastering this last step. Brand is about creating, managing, and exceeding expectations.  The event itself will have to go off without a hitch.  Ideally there will be some standouts from the event.  I’m thinking a modern day Running Man celebrity type of thing.  Then post-event we will start a labor-intensive black-hat internet SEO campaign.  Our team of interns and staffers will flood message boards, publish articles, and make sure that the first 10 results when someone Googles “flash mob” are images from Philadelphia’s event.

Then we take the Flash Mob Running Man on a press tour and *poof* the “flash mob” is ours forever.

See you in summer 2012!

“How long have I been in here?”

When the lights go down

An automated bathroom

Uninterrupted

x

“Las Vegas Money Manager”

Rubbing three fingers

Your pinky is writing checks

That your tan can’t cash

x

x“Las Vegas Money Manager II”

Google’s got you wrong?

“It’s all about the loochie”?

Is that sweat or brut?

“Indian Business Traveler”

Undershirt? Absent

Glasses and mustache thick

Pressure? Tremendous

x

“Indian Business Traveler II”

Old world tradition

Adapted for tech startups

All on an Amtrak

“Consultant Meeting”

Sit on yoga ball?

Did you just say “secret sauce”?

Do you sleep in here?

“One Whiz wit (green smoke)”

An odd animation produced by a Taiwanese illustration company last week put Philly in the national spotlight.  As in usually the case, not for anything good.  What’s bizarre is that the producers of the video seem to have an intimate knowledge of the city.  I mean, Preston and Steve…Pukemon…rat tails?  It’s spot on.  And who are these people?  Are there Taiwanese spies living amongst us?  Why Preston and Steve?  What is the connection to the roasting deer?  Who’s cooking deer?  Are Taiwanese restaurants in Philadelphia serving us deer?  I don’t know about you, but I’m more concerned with the questions this video raises than the question it supposedly answers.

However, that’s what everyone else paid attention to -

Whether Philadelphia is the Crappiest City in the US.

The short answer is maybe, depending on the criteria.  Most violent summer?  Definitely.  Worst accent?  Hands down.  Most Arab restaurateurs posing as Italians?  Yes.

“Crappiest City” is probably a little harsh though.  Even if, there are a ton of other reasons why Philly is a tough place to live rather than those outlined in the video.  And in the tradition of hard hitting journalism that has become the gold standard here at FlashPhilly, we are digging deeper- to uncover the why behind Philly’s negative reputation.  Meaning that I have a personal theory about the one commonality between the cause of negative Philly stereotypes:

Violent Philadelphia Summers

Summers are a magical time in Philadelphia.  There’s history in the air, iodine in the water, and flash mobs in the streets.  Everyone gets worked up into a violent frenzy.  And in doing so, it seems like a lot of the negative press we receive nationally occurs during the summer months.  The cause of this negative press is two fold:

1. The fact that normal people here do crazy things in the summer and the already crazy people murder people

2. Everyone carries around a means of videotaping something

It’s so bad that there is a Philadelphia Danger Index that weather people mention right after the air quality warning.

Think about it, Philly produced some of the great viral videos of last year, and all of them either occurred during the summer, were violent, or both.

I actually had been disappointed by this summer’s absence from the national spotlight (until this Taiwanese video).  But, true to form, as the summer heats up, so does the violence and as a corollary, the negative press.

So, why are Philadelphia summers so violent?

I made a graph of the contributing factors:

Identifying the cause is only the first step.  Prevention is in your hands.

Bonus: Best viral Philadelphia videos:

While everyone was either seeing Hangover II, Thor, X-Men: First Class, or looking at nude pictures of Blake Lively, (yes; nude pictures of Blake Lively – is Leonardo DiCaprio mad????) I stumbled upon this piece of blatant plagiarism from Malibu Rum’s “Boom Boom Radio campaign” (first in 2010; re-aired in 2011):

live nude sex cams

Which is clearly a sexed up “Rhianna esque” (minus the nude cell phone pics) rip off of the Flight of the Conchords skit “She’s so Hot- Boom” (aired in 2007):

Snooki in nude car crash

Which is clearly a rip off of this (aired in September, 2005):

Sarah Palin nude bus tour

Which is clearly a rip off of Brian Collin’s catchphrase “Boom goes the dynamite” (aired in March, 2005).

Jim Tressel nude at Ohio State

Blake Lively’s famous character Serena van der Woodsen on the CW hit Gossip Girl could not have cooked up a more devious coup (or even as herself, Blake Lively, nude on the internet – I mean, are they real or not?).  So I’m asking that everyone join my boycott of Malibu Rum for the summer; and to repost this everywhere. Other blogs, graffiti, T-shirts, whatever it takes.  I want this to be bigger than Dirk Nowitzki tearing a tendon in his non-shooting hand against the Miami Heat and Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosch in game 1 of the NBA finals.

The world needs to know about Malibu Rum ripping off independent comedians who rip off internet memes.  Right after a short moment of silence for an upgrade in the status of singer Sean Kingston.

I’ve also had some feedback and requests.  Many of you apparently want me to only write about cats.  I think this is because I wrote a series of three (here ,  here, and here)  articles on the topic which got picked up by several legitimate cat websites who were very happy with all the work I appeared to be doing.  Let it be known – I don’t do anything with cats.  I’ve never owned a cat, and historically, most of my interactions with cats have been negative.  But apparently cats are good web traffic, so I will try and pepper some cat posts in.

Some other comments I’ve received:

Haikus

Some have commented that my haikus don’t follow the traditional 5-7-5. structure.  I apologize that my haikus are advanced, but I write in (and adhere to) the more modern “Gendai” form of the art where it’s less necessary to fit the subject into the traditional “structure”; rather the poem takes the nature of its subject and can go 5-7-5-so on.  Look where following traditional Japanese customs got the Japanese.  “With us not being able to eat certain types of sushi” is the answer.  I’m running a classy website here, and I’m not going to dumb my shit down for the masses.  If you’re looking for the Hoboken to my Manhattan, try LukeMarchie.com; real talk.

The FlashPhilly Chronicles

Also, I should note that I’ve been getting a lot of traffic related to North Philadelphia’s very own FlashPhilly.  Within the course of a couple days, I saw an influx of (I’m assuming related) traffic from Home Depot Corp., The US Court System, and the Warrington Township Police Department, where Home Depot is located.  I’ll go out on a branch here and guess that this is because of the photo of FlashPhilly in the shower wearing a Home Depot hard hat (here), which is most likely his own.  I don’t know what happened to the bizarro-world FlashPhilly, but I hope it was something terrible.  I can’t afford to take this blood fued into the violent Philly summer, we’ve lost too many souljas.  Although, I’m almost certain if one of us goes down the other absorbs their power.  If not, and HomeDepot Corp. is on to you FlashPhilly, I offer you one piece of advice: stop taking gay pictures of yourself in the shower wearing your Home Depot hat.  It might not be expressly covered in the handbook, but I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea.  And seek refuge.  Home Depot is a large and powerful multi-national corporation, they don’t want things like that floating around the internet.  I’ve already moved this website to an offshore server to be safe.  The worst case scenario is that you’d become and internet meme and the whole thing goes to shit.  I would start that process by posting one here but I recognize in my Machiavellian approach that the enemy of my enemy is my friend…actually, I’m going to get it started.

I also got a lot of “Purrsonal Ad” responses on PlentyofFish.  Unfortunately my profile was deleted and I couldn’t salvage any of them.  Most of them were angry.  Some didn’t even realize it was a cat (one woman asked me what was “up” with all the cat jokes).  Actually, looking back on it, that might have been some sort of witty bestiality pun.   Maybe she was the one – I’ll never know.   To quote Wayne’s World, “At least we’ll always have that perfect day on Gordon Street”.

Baby Bash’s 1996 release “Suga Suga” catapulted him to success.  Why that is is anyone’s guess.  I challenge someone to come up with a 4 minute video that causes the viewer to dislike it’s subject more.

No one who has ever had sex with a woman or knows how to drive a car would make the hand motions Baby Bash does in this video.  It’s pretty clear by his mimicry of those two things that he has done neither.

I envision a scenario where a rag tag crew of interns from a community college in Florida are producing/directing.  There are creative differences right off the bat.  The tension filled shoot is descending into chaos and they only have 3 hours left of set time.  Then suddenly, in a career affirming moment, the assistant director seizes the directing cone from the director.  He yells “Yo, I don’t think tucking your arms to your chest and moving them up and down in a thrusting motion properly conveys your sexual prowess, we need more.  You should throw some hand driving motions in there to nail it home…really go for it.”  Then in a moment of genius – sheer and utter genius – Baby Bash improvs a move where he uses his thumbs to stretch out his chain while bouncing back and forth… and music video history is made.  With the creative juices flowing, they end up finishing the entire video in one take; a full two hours ahead of schedule.  This leaves time for an emotional wrap party where Baby Bash and his crew are all slapping hands and stowing their doo rags…when suddenly, Baby Bash looks blankly at the sky and softly says “We made it ‘yall” while he kisses a Jesus cross attached to his now famous chain.  Fast forward two hours and the party is wrapping down – Baby Bash is the last person to leave the building, but right before he leaves, he turns, canvasses the room and reaches back to turn the lights off as he exits.  Then the lights go down on the set forever.  Fade to black and you realize it wasn’t ever about any one of them, it was about them putting their differences aside and learning how to work together.

(Un)fortunately, Baby Bash could never quite repeat the success of “Suga Suga”.

So, where is Baby Bash now?

From Wikipedia:

After a failed stint on the latino rap scene, Bash allegedly had a child with an underage Mexican national.  It was reported that he paid the woman’s family an undisclosed sum to keep the matter private.  During the same time, he collaborated with several U.S. based underground regional dance crazes including the famous Louisville dance named “tha Shizz”.

In 2001, he launched his own male makeup and skincare line named “Lash by Bash”. Although the line was later pulled from mainstream stores due to weak sales, the line continued to be sold in bodegas and discount beauty shops in the Los Angeles area.

Financially crippled by child support constraints, he returned to rapping in 2006 and collaborated with such for sale rap acts as T-Pain and Pitbull.

In 2006, Baby Bash returned to his roots and the gay latino club circuit.  His tour received critical acclaim, primarily from alternative urban papers with words like “street” and “voice” in their titles.  He currently resides in the Aliso Village section of East Los Angeles and devotes much of his time to his charity which was set up to educate Non-English speaking Latinos in the gay and lesbian community to the dangers of HIV/AIDS.

Obviously the big news last week was Arnold Schwarzenegger having a child with his maid.   In the couple of days between the announcement and someone digging up the picture of Mildred Patricia Baena (Mildred?), I found myself having an argument with some coworkers about what she probably looked like.  I was steadfast in my belief of the stereotype that all maids, regardless of their location or sophistication of, are homely, short, foreign women.  There’s no way an attractive woman could end up being a maid because it would be so much easier for her to find work in a more profitable line of unskilled labor like tradeshows or amateur internet modeling.  The counter argument was that if someone is wealthy and motivated enough, they can hire attractive maids because they’ll pay the required salary.  The counter argument to that is that attractive foreign women typically get married off for dowries or tricked into the sexual slave trade.

I won the argument two days later when TMZ dug up the photos (with bonus vindication for her name being Mildred). But that got me thinking about some other bad news from last week which reflected traditionally accepted stereotypes as true.  What does it all mean? Is the world ending this October?  Perhaps, (this weather has certainly been crazy enough) but I’m confident that God wouldn’t let me die a robot virgin.

Here is my list of stereotypes that were proven true last week:

Middle Easterners are stubborn

This past week saw dictators and presidents on three fronts continue to dig their heels in.  Libya’s Gaddafi (which I called on March 4: scroll down to #7), Syria’s Assad, and Israel’s Netanyahu are all shrugging off the western world.  And why shouldn’t they?  What have we done for them lately?  I mean let’s get serious, if we want to westernize the world, let’s get on with it already.

Ignore the fact that the majority of the Arab world hasn’t advanced socially or technologically since the middle ages, we come swooping in with our sexy culture and advanced technology and expect everyone to love it right off the bat.  Lay some groundwork for god’s sake.

It would be like if an alien culture came down and starting speaking in some language we didn’t understand and pushing nutritional meal pellets and progressive space-electro on us.  We’d at the very least resent those sexy aliens (most likely try and destroy them) because we didn’t arrive to those cultural conclusions ourselves.  We simply wouldn’t be able to understand or appreciate it.

Listen, if we really want to shock and awe these people, give me 200 million, some guns, and a Simon, and I’ll sort all this shit out.  Either that or become another warlord dictator…  but probably sort this shit out.

People that like the Yankees are idiots

Jeter has been dancing around it for years, but this past week Jorge Posada definitively proved that Yankees players and fans are pussies.  The great thing is that the Yankees are losing and they have three more years of this aging premadonna shit.

Forget the kid in the hospital, do it for the balding 33 year old who still lives in

And what is up with Jorge Posada’s face?  He’s got this disproportionate ratio of body to neck to chin to head.  He looks like a reverse pinhead.  Has he been playing baseball so long that he’s already had his lower jaw removed from the decades of tobacco use?  It’s like if Flat Top from Dick Tracy and that tall Muppet Beaker had a kid who likes to play dress up with his grandfather’s WWII helmets in the basement.

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God hates New Orleans

This past week God took a third swipe at destroying New Orleans.  Luckily, it was averted.  Is there some war between good and evil going on with New Orleans as the battlefield?  Who is God after?  I wonder if there’s one person in New Orleans who’s into some really weird shit who is to blame for all this.  And I hope with each natural disaster they come a step closer to piecing the whole thing together and suspiciously wonder to themselves if they’re the reason this keeps happening.  What and whoever it is, he should probably quit it.

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Europeans have no sexual standards

Between this Arnold thing and the French IMF guy fondling an HIV positive maid (full circle), it reminded me about how often I wonder what the hell is going on with some of these Europeans.  It’s like they are venus fly traps of sexual depravity.  They seem willing to fondle/rape anything that wanders into their orbit.

A piece of advice – get some standards in your sexual harassment.  It’s a myth that the ugly ones are less likely to rat you out.  The ugly ones are more likely to go to the authorities.  They want everyone within police blotter shot to know that someone found them attractive enough to harass.  The good looking ones keep their mouths shut becuase of the shame involved.  Embrace the shame – it’s your ally.

And when they do get caught, Europeans are always trying to blame the cultural differences between Europe and America.  …”in Europe, we are more open and sexually expressive than you Americans, this is normal where I’m from”.  Maybe it’s the Global business climate or whatever but keep that shit to the canals of Venice.  We have a very subtle class system worked out here, we need our women drunk and ready to go, not emotionally scarred and suspicious.  Don’t go messing this up for us.

Case and point:

Except Kevin, Kevin’s clearly not an adult

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“Droid Auto Correct”

Who’s this word bank for?

Let’s get “ducking” serious

We’re all adults here

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♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

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I can take my own temperature!

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“Automatic Windows Update”

Overnight Update?

Thirty minute boot seems long

To find nothing works

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♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

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I’m sorry, I can’t let you use slang on that, Dave

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“Droid Auto Correct 2″

You think you know me?

We’re worlds apart, you and I

Sick of adding “queef”

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♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

]]> http://flashphilly.com/2011/05/corporate-haikus-technology-issues/feed/ 2 http://flashphilly.com/2011/05/things-i-dont-understand-the-popularity-of-2/ http://flashphilly.com/2011/05/things-i-dont-understand-the-popularity-of-2/#comments Fri, 06 May 2011 19:10:58 +0000 FlashPhilly http://flashphilly.com/?p=607 Continue reading →]]> The Phrase “Epic”

Epic shorts?

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For those you that don’t operate in the world of Macs and memes, the word epic has taken on a whole new overly-used application outside the rules of accepted adjective usage.  The accepted use of the word epic refers to “items of impressive greatness or unusual size”.  These wacky kids today use it to describe everything from someone’s pants falling down to grammatical errors.

Now, I’m going to get onto some really existential shit here but follow me – if so many day-to-day occurrences are now considered epic, by definition, nothing can be epic.  Because it’s usage has become so commonplace, no one can possibly be impressed by the uniqueness of anything that is described as epic, and the notion of “epic-ness” ceases to exist.  And what’s the benchmark here?  How did that get shifted so far to the left? 

You have to remember that the event you are describing as “epic” is up against the sum total of all comparable events throughout the course of history.

And I hate to break it to you, that sandwich you “nommed” from that Jewish Deli wasn’t epic.  That road trip you took to Ithaca can’t be compared to the storming of Normandy, and that cellphone picture you took of the neon sign missing a letter isn’t going to make us completely rethink the notion of irony.  None of those things are epic.

For a case and point I did a quick search for the word “epic” on facebook.  Here is what came up:

My Firefox tabs were NSFW

Ashlee, Samantha, Conor, and James are all idiots.  Yeah, I bet your housework was epic… did you install an elevator yourself?  Because even that wouldn’t be epic.  Brandi gets a pass because she accidentally used the word epic in the correct context somehow.  Thor was epic by the traditional definition, (an extended narrative celebrating the feats of a legendary or traditional hero) but that’s like calling a female dog a bitch, and now we’re just getting into semantics.

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George Lopez

Something like that

I don’t have the time to keep any of these Latino comedians straight, I just know that I hate Carlos Mencia.  As a corollary to that,  I’m pretty sure I hate George Lopez.  The only thing entertaining about Latino standup would be if they made a version of the Latin Kings of Comedy but were sued by the Latin Kings Street Gang for slanderous infringement.  And although I’ve never seen George Lopez’ show or standup, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that he has a bit about how Latinos use that Speedy Gonzales voice and have lots of kids.  He probably also uses the phrase “holmes”.  It’s like these things practically write themselves.

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The Popularity of Old Nickelodeon Shows

Except that one

Look, we get it that you grew up in the early 90′s and you are fresh out of ideas for Halloween costume ideas.  But seriously, did you really like Doug that much when you were a kid?

I’m not even sure I would have wanted to be friends with anyone who admitted to watching Clarissa Explains it All or Salute Your Shorts.  At my school  they sat at the lunch table with those weirdos who thought wrestling was real or traded Magic the Gathering cards.  Hate to break it to you, but while you were busy watching Hey Dude, us real men were out stockpiling JC Penny maternity catalogs and experimenting with flammables.

Is a better answer that you are feeling left out of cultural symbols that our generation can identify with?  Other generations have cool pop-culture identifiers like Sinatra, Elvis, or the Stones – but what do we have?  The good news is that not all is lost.

To help, I made a graph of options for more appropriate cultural identifiers for those of us raised in the early 90′s.  If your age is covered by an identifier, it would be acceptable for your use as a generational conversation starter or Halloween costume:

Pink Floyd

A poor man’s Led Zeppelin?

It’s seems like all you had to do to make money in the 70s was make music/television/movies/social commentary about drugs and hating the establishment.  Anything beyond that could be pure nonsense and people would just think you were just more knowledgeable in those subjects than they were.  I’m amazed that more people didn’t pick up on this.  What makes me angry about Pink Floyd is how all their songs are complete downers. Yeah, an echoed galactic guitar solo is first thing I want to listen to on the radio in my car before a big meeting.  And what’s up with all the crystals and crop circles and shit?  Didn’t modern science debunk all of those things.  I’m sorry, but in this day and age, I’d like to think being alternative/weird just for the sake doesn’t cut it.

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That Show Frasier

How reprehensibly facetious and unapologetic these two are!

I have an idea for a show: Let’s take the least popular character from a long-standing television franchise and make a long-standing spin-off catered to the complete opposite segment of viewers than who liked the original show.  Then we’ll cram it down everybody’s throats.

I don’t think it could be possible to hate Frasier more.  I challenge someone to come up with one likable thing about the show.  Do you know how much big market late night talk radio announcers make?  45k a year, Frasier.  Let’s write that one in.  Try paying for a nurse for your angry dad on that salary.

In case you were on the fence, here’s a pro/con list I made about the show:

Monifa enjoyed brief success with the release of 1998′s Touch It.  Unfortunately, she could never quite duplicate Touch It’s success.

It’s understandable, Touch It is a terribly premised music video.  Who booked the acts on this USO Tour?  How old is this woman? Are Bob Hope and Betty Boop headlining?

Maybe the Gulf War era was different, but I typically think of deployed soldiers as having some pregnant, fresh-out-of-community college wife at home; not lusting over some middle-aged woman who’s trying to lure “a good man” into her townhome, get eaten out in her evening wear, and then compare stories about their children.  Using phrases like “Do you want to fuss with me tonight” certainly doesn’t help.  I don’t think black women have used the word “fuss” since the Jim Crow era.  Some more age-appropriate lyrics might have been:

Do you really wanna touch it

Do you really wanna fuss with me after Living Single is on

Oh, and if you believe me fond of it

Would you pipe up and give my gams a Bronx Cheer?

Pow! Right to the kisser!

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Also, I’m pretty sure it’s a remake of this song

So, where is she now?

From Wikipedia:

Monifah (born Monifa Carter, January 28, 1942) is an American female R&B singer-songwriter.  She is best known for her single “Touch It”.  The track peaked at #29 in the UK Singles Chart in January 1999.After several failed subsequent releases, Monifa was forced to exit the music industry in 2001.

She now lives on her modest pension from a brief career as a hospital administrator.  In 2008, an injury from an accidental fall while walking on an icy sidewalk caused Monifa to be briefly hospitalized.  Doctors reported that she did not break a hip as feared and she was released from the hospital two days later.  In 2009, she was reportedly left nearly broke after being victimized by an investment scheme targeting elderly women.  Medical bills and time missed from work caused financial strain that required her to accept assistance from church groups and fans.  She currently lives in Atlanta with her cat, is active in her church, and was recently described by her good friend, Danny Glover, in an interview for Spin Magazine:

“Her vision isn’t what it used to be, so she has to be very deliberate in her steps, and although falling is always a danger, she’s very much the captain of her own ship…She’s as sharp as a tack and enjoys a life with her friends and cats.^“

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My watch isn’t waterproof so I always bring my sundial

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After I wrote the previous post on awkward moments, I came across two internet classics that definitely needed to be included.  I was so swept up in the romance and pageantry of the Royal Wedding that I had to wait until this week to update my post.

“High-ly Inappropriate”

It’s ok Valair, none of us have any idea what’s going on here either.  First off, who is being interviewed?  At first I thought it was the woman, but you can clearly see her left foot moving (either that or it’s a VHS tracking issue).  So if he’s interviewing the man, we are supposed to believe that his biggest sexual issue is that he can’t partake in sweet-talk?  Really? Your girlfriend is in a wheelchair and that’s your biggest issue?  What about cleaning off the joystick?

I Think You’re Doing that Wrong

This clip was made internet famous by Family Guy.  Everyone’s reaction is great.  The woman groaning, the cliche news announcers improving, the winery rep taking a half step down to help.  The soundboard guy is the only one with an ounce of professionalism here.  The show must go on.
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Also, there’s this (forward to 1:30):

Grape Stomping Accident Dubstep Remix

“Wedding Hype Eclipse”

Planned this months ago…

Legitimacy of claim

Called into question

“Happiest girl in the world”

It’s going to take

Lots of baby-related

Facebook statuses

To shift spotlight back to me

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♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

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“Masturbating Schedule”

Daytime coverage?

E! Network; standard plan B

Still More Coverage

Giada on Food Network?

Whew, that was too close

]]> http://flashphilly.com/2011/04/royal-wedding-haikus/feed/ 1 http://flashphilly.com/2011/04/things-i-don%e2%80%99t-understand-the-popularity-of/ http://flashphilly.com/2011/04/things-i-don%e2%80%99t-understand-the-popularity-of/#comments Wed, 27 Apr 2011 02:04:39 +0000 FlashPhilly http://flashphilly.com/?p=543 Continue reading →]]> William and Kate plus hate

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With all this “round-the-clock” coverage of the royal wedding, I have found myself splitting equal time between being generally annoyed and wondering who gives a fuck about any of this shit.  That equals exactly 20 minutes out of my day devoting serious thought to wondering who is impressed/interested by this and why.  Originally, I thought all this coverage was due to the “if we don’t, someone else will” mentality of the news media in this country (TLC is going to spend 89 hours straight covering the event and CNN is sending a crew of 400 reporters and staff to London for a week).  Generally though, this is the effect of the cause that the American consumer is an idiot.  They wouldn’t be covering this shit if they couldn’t sell advertising.

That got me thinking about the inexplicable popularity of other things.  I bring you my list of things I don’t understand the popularity of:

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Joe Buck

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I think people were generally tolerant of Buck when he was just calling baseball because his father was a famous baseball broadcaster.  The second he transitioned into being part of Fox’s premier football broadcasting crew is when he ran into problems.  If you’ve ever caught one of his games, you typically can’t tell (due to the smugness in his voice and monotone delivery) who he’s favoring; you just get the general impression he’s not rooting for whichever team you are.  It’s like he operates under a bizarro set of reverse journalism standards.  I’ve always half-assumed he’s the anti-Christ of broadcasting, sent to usher in a new era of sports coverage where broadcasters have all-regional dialects, never played the sports the announce, and win Emmys because they make industry-types uncomfortable.

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Movies where men dress up as fat, angry women/Tyler Perry

Precious is widely regarded as the worst black comedy of all time

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So I have this idea for a movie: basically a middle aged black guy, because of one reason or another, has to dress up as a larger-than-life southern matriarch. In order to keep his cover he will have to endure a series of mishaps that question his manhood and dedication to staying in character. Then maybe he ends up in jail or a family gathering or in church, something like that; haven’t figured out the ending yet.  I don’t want to get ahead of myself but Kennan Thompson, Bow Wow, and the Old Spice Guy have all tentatively signed on to co-star.

Tom Petty

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Hey, what do you get when you combine Bob Dylan’s voice, Bruce Springsteen’s Patriotism, John Lennon’s Glasses, David Bowie’s heroin face, Aerosmith’s music videos, and Floyd the Muppet?  That’s right…Steve Nash.  Now pepper in some Dwight Yoakom and you get Tom Petty.

Why they keep giving this woman TV shows

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I would take the time to learn this woman’s name if I thought listing it here would help my Google ranking.  Here are the highlights from her Wikipedia:

• She was a contributor to Bravo TV’s coverage of the 2009 Kentucky Oaks.
• Released in 2010, The Skinnygirl Rules, an audiobook read by Frankel, was described as a summary of her first two books, Naturally Thin: Unleash Your SkinnyGirl and Free Yourself from a Lifetime of Dieting.

From the sounds of it, this woman sowed her oats in show business by blowing casting agents from the Bravo Network and authoring alternative dieting audiobooks for bulimics who are too weak to lift the pages of an actual book.  Maybe the two are related – I haven’t listened to the books, so for now I’ll assume they are.

Glee/ any word with the prefix “Gl-”

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I’m sick of Glee and I’m sick of people thinking it’s a good show.  Have you ever been to a high school musical?  They’re terrible.  I don’t even understand the premise.  From what I understand, most episodes go something like this: The arab seeming girl is upset about one of the jocks, then everyone sits around in a room until their music teacher says something inspirational, they all look at each other and then a song breaks out.  Then on Tuesday, they announce they won’t play some popular band’s songs because they are anti-gay rights or someone in the band used the word “tranny”.  And for the record, a group of people watching Glee is not a “Gleesome”.  Let’s apply this prefix to some more applicable adjectives or nouns that are more topical to the show.  Words like “low-selfesgleem”.

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Anyone who knows me knows I am an appreciator of awkward moments.  I spend whole portions of my day trying to bring awkwardness into the lives of the people I come in contact with most (two favorites are facing the wrong way in elevators and interrupting people 30 seconds in into phone conversations and suspiciously asking “wait, who is this?”)  Every now and then, we are blessed with the opportunity to share in someone’s awkward moment on a mass-scale.

Originally, I was going to write a post on the best QVC bloopers because QVC is local to the Philly suburbs.  I came across the clip with the teacher and it was so good, I had to expand it beyond QVC clips.

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14. Odell, you’re in!

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13. I’ll see you on the internet later…

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12. Swear/lick/wink

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11. Guy takes it right to the face

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10. Blind climber mistake

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9. I thought we were going to be on TV

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8. Too late to switch my major?

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7. English man has nothing to hide

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6. I have the shakes; had a one-of-a-kind something

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5. That’s not how I understand it

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4. News story gets personal

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3. Update on paralyzed Buffalo Bill Kevin Everett

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2. Highschool English Teacher describes the difference between “Nigga” and “Nigger”

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1. News anchor gets called out

So everyone knows that the internet is out there and that it can be used for business.  If you don’t, the information is plentiful (every out-of-actual-work consultant with a Mac probably has an iCal entry titled “Publish Social Media Article” for every other Friday recurring through 2013).

The problem with this genre of article is that they self-populate like a bad pyramid scheme; cheapening and homogenizing the content.  Let me explain: every social media article mentions the strategy of writing social media articles.  In turn, 3/100 idiots who read that article for the first time decide to write their own article to drive traffic to their site.  Each lower-level writer is less-sophisticated, so each article gets progressively worse and more generalized.

So in the spirit of “teach a man to fish and he’ll eat forever”, I’m going one level up.  Rather than you having to plagiarize the same article you’ve received from 250 of your Linkedin Groups, I’m going to give you a guide to writing that shitty social media post yourself.   With a little luck, you’ll be well on your way to living the wet-dream of attracting enough click-throughs to your non-related Google AdSense ads that you can finally buy that truck you’ve been talking about.

Here’s my step-by-step guide to writing a generic social media article:

Web 2.[some denomination fractionally larger than 2] for ________[Industry]

Web 2.5.1 for Accounting Firms

[Generic blanket statement]

As Social Media gains popularity and with more customers becoming web oriented, it has become crucial for your company to have an effective online presence.

[Non-scientific statistic]

Shoppers are combining Search and Social Media to make their buying decisions. According to the analysts, 86% of consumers use Search engines and Social media when looking for accountants [Industry].

[Generic image of business people on a computer]

[Statement about how small the internet has made the world/implications on the availability of information]

As communication and information travels faster and faster, the world seems smaller and smaller, and this has large implications for the way we conduct business.

[Inference (adapted from personal experiences as a stay at home mom and buying things off the internet) about how consumers make their purchase decision]

Hence, most customers spend considerable amount of time to research and get recommendations on Social networking sites before hiring an accountant [Industry]. Customers are using Websites, and their Social Media presence to compare services before making a decision.

[Scare statement about how the reader could be left out]

Firms without modern and functional web sites are at risk for being left out of the new media marketplace.

[The same scare statement phrased inclusively rather than exclusively]

When customers see a professional grade website they are more likely to have a positive connection with the company to do business with them. A bad website could be a turn off to the potential customers driving them away to look for the services elsewhere.

[Rattle off jargon]

Beyond just having a well put together online presence, constant content updates pushed through RSS, Social Media, and Back Channel Marketing Streams let you sync your Search Engine Optimization (SEO) and PPC campaigns. The result is often an organic surge in both traffic and ad-revenue, which makes the Google crawlers happy.  When both your start and back pages are content-rich and can be found easier, it helps reach your crowd-surfing facilitation goals, increase traffic, and as a result, increase revenue.

[Statement about the conversation going on without/without the reader]

The bottom line is that marketing’s no longer a monologue.  The Social Media conversation will go on without you.  Somewhere online right now, customers are talking about your competition, or worse yet, YOU.  Maybe you’d like to listen in to what they’re saying. Or, as the more innovative companies are doing, pull up a virtual chair and join in the conversation.

[Inclusion Question]

Are you one of them?

[Finish with the “Social Media Revolution” video]

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This article builds off a brief collaboration I donated to one of my good friend who writes a recurring article titled “A Day in the Life” over at TheYoungandtheTasteless.  I was reminded of the usefulness of this today as I was reading a USNews article “16 Ways to Make Yourself Unfireable“.

More generally than a “day in the life”, these are just solid practices that our more forward-minded readers can immediately implement into their daily office routines.

1. Always have your sleeves half rolled up.

The fashion statement popularized by Zack Morris carries legitimate benefits in the corporate world.  It conveys that the last thing you can afford is for your pesky sleeves or french cuffs to obstruct the view of your watch.  Your day is planned down to the second.

Also, maybe you were just eating something while walking, typing, or on a conference call.  Even better – maybe you’re forced to eat many small, unhealthy meals throughout the day because you don’t even have time to stop at a lunch truck while you’re out makin’ it happen.  No one can figure it out — fuck them for even trying.

Be careful though, too high and you are going to look like one of those idiots that rides his bike to work and knows everything about web 2.5.1.  You might be sought out to correct your coworker’s confusion about bcc fields, but you’ll never make it past that.

2. Monogram everything you own

Start with your shirts – somewhere visible like your collar.  Step it up to socks, laptops, and picture frames (you think it’s redundant to monogram your diploma frame? You’re an idiot).  Maybe start bringing in your desk objects to be laser etched at one of those places that sell flasks for wedding parties.  If you’re really hardcore, get a mason to hammer and chisel your initials into your stone pots and paper weights.  Even more hard core – get a craft blow torch and a custom metal branding wand and start searing your initials into things like black frats do.  Left-overs, upholstered chairs, your secretary — the possibilities are endless.

For people in the know, this will convey that you belong to one of those weird clubs where people play squash, take showers, and cheat on their wives.  You know, some place with some combination of the words “social”, “athletic”, “room”, or “club” in its name.  People take so many showers at these places that it’s almost a must that you have all your clothes monogrammed in order to avoid the awkward situation of someone walking out wearing your shirt.  Don’t think that’s true?  Next time you’re in one of these places you’ll notice that everyone’s hair is wet.

3. Always have a very complicated spreadsheet open on your desktop

This way you always look overwhelmed regardless of whether you’re in the office or not (which you ideally won’t be).  This also deters people who come looking for you from actually giving you work.  You can gauge the success of this by how many times a day people start conversations with apologies like “I know you’re busy…” and “don’t worry if you can’t get to this today but…”

Here’s one I made up about Guitar solos

4. Don’t clear your voicemail

Too busy to go through the login steps.  I get all my voicemails voice-to-texted straight to my Blackberry (global edition).

Cutting corners on antacids can be dangerous to office morale

5. Don’t be afraid to sigh loudly while sitting at your desk

There’s a caveat to this one – you should not apply this if you are friendly with the female staff members.  Undoubtedly, they will start asking you if “everything’s ok” and you’ll have to make something up.  Once you’ve traveled down this rabbit hole, there’s no returning. You’re in for a mile – everyone’s going to know and ask for updates (even months later).  The only way out (and I have only theorized about this) is to start taking “mental health days” off.  Hopefully people will think whatever you’re sighing about is so personally devastating that they can’t even bring it up.

This guy’s got it all figured out

6. Right before you do go anywhere, spray a light mist of water on your face from a bottle under your desk

People will assume that your sweat is stress-related in regards to some deadline you’re not going to make.

7. Always walk very quickly and carry a manila folder with you everywhere you go

This one’s kind of a no-brainer.  The manila folder should have all kinds of hastily-written notes on the outside.  For added effect, get some 8.5×17 legal sized papers and stuff them in there.  This way anyone who you pass will assume that you’re carrying landscape printouts of that complicated spreadsheet that you always seem to be working on.

8. Get an Indian intern

Get the most intelligent sounding Indian intern you can get your hands on.  Have he/she follow two steps behind and constantly turn around and ask “are you getting this down?”.  For instances when you’re in a meeting or social gathering, you should also perfect the non-verbal conveyance of “are you getting this down?” by tucking your chin to your neck, raising your eyebrows and looking in their direction without blinking.  Make sure everyone sees you doing this.

Your other hand better be getting this down

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9. Use A LOT of corporate jargon.

Use it almost exclusively and in all of your daily office interactions.  You can also start visioneering interesting hand motions.  One of my favorites consists of interlocking three of your fingers (middle to pinky) while keeping your pointer fingers and thumbs straight and having them touch at the tips to form a kind-of “L” shape with your hands.  Also, any kind of mini-explosions that you can mimic with both hands moving or twisting away from each other is always a classic.

10. Keep using the phrase “have you been out there today…?”

If you emphasize the statement correctly, the person shouldn’t be able to tell if you’ve been bouncing out of the office to meetings all day or have been buried in your office with the door closed. Either is good.

Have you been out THERE TODAY?

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BONUS: Learn how to do all of these things while walking backwards

Screw Executive JD/MBA programs, you need your weekends and nights for burying intense feelings of guilt.  You’ve perfected all the basics, but you still hit the glass ceiling.  I’m going to let you in on a closely guarded secret: In order to really take this to the next level you need to perfect all of these techniques backwards (literally).  This way, there’s not even a way for someone to stop or slow you down.  Once mastered, every time you run into someone in the office and they begin to ask you to do something, keep walking past them, turn, and make up an excuse while walking backwards on your way to dropping into the skylight of the old boy’s club.

First, I should apologize for not posting anything last week.  I’ve been pretty busy in the real world.  I have some new content coming this week.

When I caught a second this weekend, I checked my Google stats to see that I’ve had a massive influx on Google traffic.  A 451% increase in Google sourced traffic, more precisely.

Most of this traffic has come from my page being well-optimized for the two search terms “worst” and “Philadelphia”.  In fact, if you Google “worst Philadelphia”, I’m the eighth result, right there on the first page.  I guess it’s fitting that anytime someone searches any combination of the words trying to find the worst things in Philadelphia, they end up at my site.

Just for a reference, here is the eighth Google image search result for “worst Philadelphia”:

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I guess Google is saying that FlashPhilly is to the internet as Kensington is to Philly.  Well, I hear you Google and I’m going to embrace this title wholeheartedly.

Also related and interesting is that my third most popular Google search source is “philly massage parlors“

It’s like everything in finally coming together.

So evidently my site has become a full-blown cat website.  I get email, I get inbound links from cat websites, and any post cat-related are typically the highest-rated.  This is probably in part due to me being an amazing social media marketer.  While every other idiot is out there letting the world know about how trendy and knowledgeable they are about web 2.0, I am down in the trenches doing God’s work.  That is, Tweeting all of my cat related to posts to legitimate Twitter feeds like #catlovers.  I have been inundated with followers who are cat people.  I think they think that I am really trying to help cats with this thing.

Anyway, along with the Twitter follows from cat people, I received an email asking if I could assist in re-homing some cat named Todd.

So here goes.

I created a PlentyofFish profile for Todd (below).

Todd: Male sub looking for a female dom

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Body Type: Hair

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Todd has a pretty specific ideal first date

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(What I found most interesting after I filled this out was that so many other people must list “laser pointers” under interests that it has its own common link in the interests section…)

Then I decided to reach out to a few of my suggested matches, who were complete freaks:

NikkiG18

NikkiG18 is a highschool graduate who would like to be famous but would settle for anything with a steady paycheck and takes an existential stance on what we call “love”

About Me:

I like to read, take walks, and hang at the mall with my friends and window shop.

My goals/aspirations are… I would like to try to be someone famous but if that doesn’t work out I am just fine finding a good job that will pay the bills and all that other need to survive stuff.

What makes me unique is despite my young age I know a lot of things some people my age just don’t understand. Ex. Love can not be described, it is a feeling of millions of things and takes a second to say it but a lifetime to prove it. Money does not grow on trees and you need to use it wisely. It is not the size of the diamond in the ring it’s the heart of the man who is asking…

Mzthang89If you didn’t want big brother knowing you write at a second grade level,

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Mzthang89 is going to school to be an HR Manager and thinks the Internet is the Government’s way of keeping an eye on her.

About Me:

looking for a good friend.not really wanting to rush into things but get 2 kno u as a person then c where it goes from there.also,a man wit things goin for him in life,like goals,is a real big aspect that i want.u dont have 2 b the best lookin, but being attracted to u wuld play a good key role lol…i have 21 tattoos & 14 peircings…dont use imagination yes its a bit much but dats wut makes me different.plus it doesnt mean every1 is special and allowed to c eitha.i love 2 fall back and just b me.but also make the right decision wit the right people.currently in school to get my bachelor’s in human resource management.c a girl wit goals & smarts….and THICK!!! makes your mind wonder huh?? lol well it feels like im writing an essay in how 2 explain maself in 500 words or less.or the gov’t wants info on me so they made this site LOL,well dere so much more but so lil tme 2 write.hit me up if u interested,if not jus move away slowly hahaha =)

bbw122

bbw122 is a “Thick mami” who’s an exotic dancer but is passionate about women’s rights.

About Me:

Wud it do **gguhs, ma name shalonda get it right and get it tight LOL. im the hbic, and u betta respect dat now listen hurrr im on dis site to find me a real hood **gga who got dat money in da bank and to hold to hold me down. Im real ill tell you how it be, i aint no chick to mess wid. Im big and beautiful can u handle me? ill mess any one up who try to tell me different.. now i no yall thinkin dat ima crazy bi*** but im really not. Once u ged to no meh ull no ima real fly gal. I put on foorr ma city LIB repersent all day , all niight yaa feeel meh?…after i graduate im going to school for ethnic hair styling… yano right now im a exotic dancer .. i make dem bills pile up realrap…****** aint noo comptition forreal forreal… so get at me wusup wit da wutsup…..holla atchoo girll. dueces (;

I sent them all this message:

Your place or mine?…yours preferably…LOL!

Hi there! My name is Todd. I’m a SWC, 1’8″ DDF, clean secure, no-drama, no baggage, no strings (although I like strings) looking for fit, clean, sane, no drama, no baggage dom.  NOT SEEKING A ONE NIGHT THING. Looking for something that could possibly become a LTR.  You can kiss me anywhere — my head, body or stomach.   I am submissive to the right woman (or women).

I think I am an amazing purrson.  For some reason I’ve been unlucky finding someone to spend all my time with.  Like, are you kitten me?  I’m a big believer that everyone has a soulmate out there somewhere.

Usually I like to chill out and take things slow; but due to some unfortunate recent events, I am looking to get into a full-blown relationship RIGHT MEOW.  Can I come home with you?

If interested send pic, stats, lo-cat-ion, and what you are into.  I look forward to it.

When/if I get responses I’ll keep you posted.

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You’ll recall in my earlier post that I outlined some of the reasons cats become lost.  Included in the flurry of email I received after my post were several emails inquiring how one could go about protecting their cat from all the fur coat manufacturers and animal testers who want to steal their sexy cats.  For the second installment in my hard-hitting series, I will address the final three contributing factors that contribute to cat disappearance as well as an outline of some steps owners can take to combat cat disappearance.

3. Abusive Home Environment

The shame associated with cat abuse is difficult to overcome

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It’s not something that is often talked about, but an alarmingly high number of cats in America report having been abused.  Oftentimes the cat owner is completely unaware that someone else has been harassing or abusing their cat.  Offenders can include those who you might consider closest or most trusted to you — step parents, roommates, trusted family friends, even other cats.  Educating yourself and knowing the warning signs are crucial in detecting cat abuse.  Has your cat recently started lying or setting small fires?  These are two of the tell-tale signs that your cat is being abused.  Other warning signs include loss of appetite, physical cruelty to smaller animals, and forcing other cats into sexual activity.  If you can say that your cat has recently starting doing any of these things seemingly out of the blue, your cat might be being abused.

Ignoring the problem is just as bad as committing the crime

4. Trapped Under Porch

This is pretty self explanatory.  If your cat is missing, go check under your porch.   If you don’t want to get dirty, you could also wait the cat out in the hopes they get hungry or cold and come home.

5. Attention Seeking/Divorce

Often cats of divorcing parents will experience intense feelings of abandonment

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It’s a sad fact that when two parents decide to get divorced, often it is the cat who is most affected.  They might be flooded with questions and uncontrollable feelings of guilt.  Was it their fault?  What could they have done differently?  The early signs of a crisis can be subtle.  Look for sudden changes in behavior.  Some of the warning signs that your cat might be having difficulty coping are them joining  a new herd of cats, or self inflicted scratches.  There are licensed counselors that will work with you and your cat to reassure them that they will continue to be loved and cared for by the two of you. Point out that while your love for one another has changed, your love for them remains strong and constant.  Reiterate that the divorce is not their fault.

Aligning with an alternative counterculture is one of the first signs

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Combating Cat Disappearances

1. Get a Cat Tracker

Now as far as I know, nothing like this exists yet.  I have drawn up some preliminary plans (patent pending)

2. Don’t buy a flashy Cat

Either get a hairless breed, shave, or modify the cat you have to be less attractive.

Toygers in Tiaras

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3. Avoid leaving your cat in poorly lit or less-traveled areas

4. Monitor your cat’s internet usage

The internet can be a dangerous place for your cat.  There are entire websites devoted to the exploitation of cats.  Every year thousands of cats are victimized online.

The original LOLcat exposed the dark world of the online exploitation of cats

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5. Listen to your cat.  Know the warning signs

Know your cat’s daily activities and habits.  Take an active role in being involved in your cat’s life and knowing where your cat is at all times.  Make sure your cat checks in with you if these plans change.

“You must think I’m stupid don’t you.  How could you do this to us?”

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6. Set boundaries about places your cat can go, cats they may see, and things they may do

The most important gift you can give your cat is a healthy set of boundaries.  Boundaries keep your cat safe—don’t have kittens, don’t go in the tree, etc.  For older cats, the boundaries must be reasonable and age-appropriate.  Remember, balance is the key here.  Setting boundaries and structure are the ultimate gift of love.

There needs to be enough boundaries for the cat to feel secure but not too many

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7. Create a neighborhood task force

Everyone should be equipped with reflectors, walkie talkies, and a flashlight.  To identify possible suspects, conduct “DateLinesque” stings with really sexy decoy cats.

If your cat has been stolen

1. Post a Craigslist ad

2. Set a humane trap

3. Wait.  Keep your home phone attended by someone your cat knows.  Install a caller ID and record conversations. This may be the only way your cat knows how to reach you.

First, I would like to say that this is 100% real.  I get Google Alerts for all things Flash Philly.  I also have a mispelled Twitter feed and was looking to setup a Facebook fan page.  All of my efforts to socialize my media have been stopped dead in their tracks by this man, “Flash Philly“.  Worse yet is that this guy is also from Philadelphia, and I’m assuming, tarnishing FlashPhilly.com’s good name all over the city.

It would appear “Flash Philly” has a pension for Microsoft WordArt and taking pictures of himself in the shower.  The bizzaro low budget FlashPhilly has registered every free version of that name on the internet.  But I have the Ivory Tower — my own url.

This has just begun; and I have a piece of advice to my social media nemesis: the world costs money and your street name just got hijacked.

“Unacceptable passport photo”

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The alley mural at 6th and Master is like a little slice of It’ly

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The DuckBoats aren’t as nice in N.E. Philadelphia

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This bottle of Pantene Pro-V looks suspicious…

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The new Angry Birds character has a myspace page and can’t donate blood

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“A Tribute to Natalie Halloway”

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The more television I watch in Philadelphia, the more I am amazed at the large amount of commercials that seem like they were created as a Powerpoint on someone’s ’98 Gateway.  For being the 5th largest market in the U.S., you’d think they could get some reasonable production value.

Here is my list of the worst commercials currently on TV in Philadelphia:

Not Just Pizza

“Sal’s Back”

It seems like it’s almost a cliche that South Philadelphia pizzerias and steak joints have really low budget commercials.  NJP’s commercials are some of the worst.  In this case, they are ripping off the Aflac Duck with a cut-out screenshot of the penguin from Penguin Toss.  It’s almost like Sal’s first order of business upon returning to NJP was Googling “best spokesperson”, clicking on the first result (an alphabetized wikipedia page) and going with the Aflac duck because they couldn’t afford to reproduce the 7-up Cool Spot.

“Down with NJP”

This one’s crazy.  It’s a surprisingly normal commercial for a South Philly pizza or steak spot… until the 1.5 seconds of a guy in a gorilla suit and a black guy dressed as a banana.  It’s like NJP and I were locked in a staring contest and they wanted to see how far they could take it.  Well I blinked NJP; it’s all over now.

Steak ‘Em Up

Steak ‘Em Up commercials are the gold standard when it comes to low-budget South Philly food ads.  These have everything, low production, stereotypes, bad graphics, bullet holes, silencer noises.  They couldn’t even do a second take when they recorded their theme song.  The entire second verse (which seems like it contains the most information) is completely illegible.  Maybe they’re geniuses and it’s their attempt at planting a subliminal thought seed.  To find out, I slowed down the audio, filtered out the silencer and car hood bullethole sound effects and could legibly hear them say in a Joe Pesci type voice: “Whad’dya got cannolis fo’ fingas’? Grab ya’ phone and call Steak Em Up…psheeew, psheeew”

Steak ‘Em Up 2

Hey, remember those Budweiser commercials where the guys call each other?  Here it is again, ten years later, only these guys have a South Philly Accent and are holding a parking spot for you with a folding chair.

Collision Max Commercials

This one’s only bad because it appears that they hired and paid actors.  Maybe next time they shouldn’t use actors who are trained in Elizabethan Theatre Acting.  You know, the kind where every action is over-exaggerated and men play all the parts.  Still constant is the use of stereotypes.  We’re supposed to believe this South Philadelphian eats a cheese steak every day for lunch and is pissed when someone interrupts the quiet time he takes to plan how he’s going to attack his afternoon?  Sorry Collision Max, but I’m more open-minded than that.  Also, it’s probably time for the guy who played the second president on 24 to find a new agent.

A Classic:

I found this one while I was searching Youtube for the other videos.  This is one of the most over-the-top commercials I’ve ever seen.  I can only hope it aired during Flyers games on the CW. I like how they throw the curveball in there where he makes awkward eye contact with the maiden. Who exactly is the “Gay Philly Nightscene” trying to reach with these commercials?  Like there’s some gay guy out there sitting on his couch who had no idea that the entire area East of Broad Street is crawling with Gay and Lesbian Bars?  A more helpful commercial for gays would have consisted of a demonstration on how to arrange a  meeting in the shower at some gym on 12th Street via Craigslist.

And in case you were wondering what the best commercial of all time was:

Budget Rental Car Aroma Therapy Candles

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As the world reads about fish dying and mass-bird suicides, many people aren’t aware of something going on right here in our own back yard. “Cat Disappearances”

Backstory: While posting to the Philly Craigslist “lost and found section” (I found some glasses in Rittenhouse Park belonging to someone named Timothy Ratner) I was surprised to see that at least 2/3 of the posts were about lost cats:

Here is the post about Timothy Ratner:

FOUND – Glasses belonging to Timothy Ratner (Near Rittenhouse)

Then I Googled “Timothy Ratner” and this is what came up:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/timothyratner/

Now this is where the story of Timothy Ratner takes a bizarre turn. Timothy appears to desperately need his glasses in order to continue his work creating art out of reconstructed miniature lego scenes. Maybe one of his pieces ruffled one too many feathers. Maybe someone was trying to censor his work. Who wanted Timothy Ratner out of the way? The Catholic Church? A rival artist? Who did his work rub the wrong way?  I think if we can find Timothy Ratner’s enemies, it will lead us to Timothy Ratner.

Please help these glasses find their way back to Timothy.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/timothyratner/3615857274/

Thanks,

• Location: Near Rittenhouse
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

For more Timothy Ratner, click here, here is my favorite piece titled “The Bad Cocaine Deal”:

In any event, this is when I noticed that 100% of the lost and found posts for today, March 18th, pertained to lost cats.  EVERY SINGLE FUCKING POST WAS ABOUT A LOST CAT.  It got me thinking, 1. Why were so many cats in Philadelphia disappearing? 2. Where were all these cats going?  They have to go somewhere.  I live in Center City and I never see cats running around…

For the purpose of this post, I will address point 1, Why are so many cats in Philadelphia disappearing?

I made a graph:

Now you could probably write individual posts addressing each of these contributing factors.  For the purpose of this post, I will address the first two points only.

1. “Cat Drain” or Systemic Cat Rotation

Everyone who has owned a cat knows there is a certain amount of liquidity attached to the cat population.  By liquidity I mean that if you were to say, leave your door open for an afternoon, your cat would probably run out, and it may not come back.  This would leave your cat total at -1 (cat).  Now, say the very next afternoon, you were to leave your door open for the exact same amount of time, it would be very reasonable to expect another cat (not the original) to walk right in.  This would make you even at +/-0 (cats).  This is what I would call a 1/1 cat liquidity.  In a perfect world devoid of outside influencing factors, we would enjoy a  1/1 cat liquidity ratio 100% of the time.  This, sadly is not the case.

Now, take one step further… In the world of animal hoarding, cats are an especially attractive commodity because they are cheap and easy to acquire and they require less actual care than other animals would.  E.g. cats are essentially the “low hanging fruit” of the animal hoarding world.  Because of this, you could expect any major metropolitan area to have a negative cat liquidity ratio per capita.  Let me explain:  In a world with a 1/1 cat liquidity ratio, for everyone who loses a 1 cat, they could conceivably just leave their front door open the next day and have another cat arrive, making them whole.  Because of the high occurrence of individuals with  a positive cat liquidity ratio (animal hoarders who take cats in and don’t lose them) in high-population areas, this puts a strain on the supply of cats.

So what does the original cat owner do? They go out and purchase another cat.  This does not make them whole, they are, in fact, still -1 (cat).  This is what I like to call “Cat Drain”.

Note: There are not higher percentages of animal hoarders in highly populated areas as compared to the population as a whole, rather I’m referring to the fact that areas with high populations would contain more occurrences of animal hoarders because their(animal hoarders) number as a percentage of total population would be higher in number.

2. Open Doors at St. Patrick’s Day Parties

This is pretty self explanatory.  It is certainly easy to understand this as a contributing factor within point 1, but because of the seasonal spike, it was statistically significant enough to mention as its own point.  Depending on the time of the year, this could be substituted with a variety of seasonal factors such as “hypothermia”, “lost in home remodeling” or “accidentally thrown out with Christmas wrapping”.

Next week I will address the final three contributing factors.

SEXY UPDATE:

I was introduced to some more of Timothy Ratner’s work.  My new favorite is titled “Sexual Harassment in Medieval Times (2)”

I don’t get it…

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“Powerpoint Presentation”

Diagonal Wipe

Cartoon from The New Yorker

Presentation Gold

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♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

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“Eco-Friendly Offices”

In the effort to

Rightsize my carbon footprint

I have visioneered

The practice of “Daylighting”:

Don’t flush or wash hands

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This is the packaging and installation directions for the Monkey Hook.

This isn’t you’re grandma’s load capacity

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Here is the text zoomed in:

“Self boring ‘tips’”, “insertion points”, “drywall hole penetration”… this is getting hot!

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If that’s not enough to hold you over for the weekend, check this out.

Click this!

“The Corporate Point”

One finger, or two?

Over, under, side to side?

Side-ways double gun

Watch out it’s coming at you

Don’t linger to long

Follow it up with a wink

Trademarked; FlashPhilly

May, Two Thousand and Seven.

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“Synchronized Capability”

Synergy, segues,

Logistical bee’s nest,

Think outside the box.

“The global business climate’s

like, whatever dude.”

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“Banner Year”

Turn-key solution:

Monetize your paradigm;

Ramp up to real-time

Until I finally saw one that spoke to me:

Now I know that I’m not alone.

This video is both relevant to the post and perfectly exemplifies how I felt leading up to my first post.  The anticipation, the anxiety, the ravaged central nervous system… we probably played to the same result, also.

14. I like this video because it starts off innocently enough but you quickly realize the sinister intention.  If you don’t have the resolve, maybe you should leave correcting delivery-related skull defects to the professionals. Clearly there are more pressing cosmetic issues going on here anyway. Maybe start with a  Facial Flex or something.  That kid looks like the Cheshire cat.  “Honey, we need to start locking up rec room before London squirrels away the pool balls away again.”

13. This video is not the only reason Charley Belcher isn’t allowed within 100 feet of a playground or school.  This is probably the only thing not covered in the skate park’s insurance plan.  They should probably get a provision or something.  A perfect example of why we need Obamacare.

12. I hope the one guy isn’t this other guy’s caddy in real life – because he clearly doesn’t have grasp on the conditions.  Besides, there are much better ways to pick up teenage girls, like smelling nice and having parents who are too busy/successful to know where you are.

11. Everything’s going wrong for this girl.  Sam already knows she’s going to sandbag his own social aspirations (which are probably hanging on by a thread).  The first chance he gets, he bolts as fast as his huge backpack will allow.  No doubt she’ll grow up to be one of those fourth graders you read about giving dry hand jobs to older boys in the back of the bus and think to yourself about what’s wrong with America.  On top of all that, it looks like she’s from the rural Bible Belt somewhere; two strikes right out of the gate.  She’s one bad high school nickname away from being on one of those highway billboards for massage parlors that advertise they have “semi parking available”.

10. If at first you don’t succeed…there are easier ways to get rid of that neighborhood kid you don’t want hanging around — like trapping him inside his paper delivery box and nailing it shut from the outside with nails that you had painted blue the day before.  I’m sorry Adam Taj.

9. This kid’s first problem is that he’s got his mom back there in a bootleg Ocean City Maryland t-shirt, calling all his shots.  We can only hope this is his first taste of freedom.  You can tell this kid is going to be a complete corporate logjammer when he grows up.  He’s even lazy in his concern for his own safety.  As evidenced by his dull yells of “dahhhhh…” as he approaches but doesn’t have the stones to do anything about it.  Welcome to the world, kid, good luck selling enough office products to put three kids through state school.

8. I like how this guy is perfectly positioned to make a play on catching this kid like it happens all the time.  I can picture a bunch of guys from Cincinnati sitting in a planning meeting like “We really need to slow down turn three but our engineer is at Daytona Bike Week.”  Some poor Insurance Adjuster in central Ohio probably got fired over this.  In retrospect they should have sprung for a more qualified infielder, someone who could have at least made sure no one was taping this.

7. I had a similar experience to this one time on the SEPTA.  The only thing this video is missing is an overlay of that song “The Entertainer” by Scott Joplin.

6. If this isn’t a euphemism for the current state of global affairs, I don’t know what is.  Some chaotic, disorganized setting in an Arab country; a lone white kid chasing a brown skinned baby right into some conflict she’s pre-aware of; letting some other Arab superpower (the man) do her dirty work for her.  I like how she slyly snatches whatever it was she wanted from the downed child before only acting concerned enough to not raise suspicions. You’re next Libya.

5.“Truth or dare?” -“Truth!” “How’d you lose your virginity?” -“Wait, no, can I still pick dare?”

4. How many packs a day is this little girl up to?  Bright side: it would appear this little girl has a bright future as an animal trainer.  Downside: Not so much for anything that involves moving your legs and reaction time.  I see some traumatizing Dance Dance Revolution experiences in this girls future.

3. This is just an example of the everyday struggle for bottom spot that goes on in many American homes between the middle-child and beloved pet.  The dog sees an opportunity to move up the chain and goes for it; successfully.  Then he goes in for the kill.  Unfortunately that part is edited out, but you can clearly tell by the kid’s glazed over, rape-vicitim-esque demeanor, that the dog didn’t do a good enough job of striking enough fear into him to shut him up.  Lesson learned; next time threaten his action figures.

2. What kind of weird shit is going on in this one?  Where is this kid and why is he in the woods by himself?  If a stranger tells you he wants you in his next all-weather track suit commercial, run the other way.  Sadly, this massive puddle probably only delayed the fate waiting for this kid on the other end of this camera.  “You think you’re scared and cold? – I have to walk out of here alone…”

1. This one’s internet famous.  Not much to say here — still the best.